Tour Blog 2: the Heart of Darkness

Most people have a glamorous view of touring. They think that bands indulge in the “Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll” lifestyle. Sure, there are some bands that do, but for most bands, touring is a constant and unrelenting series of mild disappointments and financial strain. There are decisions you make on tour due to the stress imposed on you that you would never make in day-to-day life.

To help mitigate the financial strain, I realized last summer that it is absolutely necessary to steal food. Now, I agree that stealing is wrong in most cases, but I think most people would agree that a starving mother stealing a loaf of bread to feed her family is not unequivocally wrong. And, if I am stealing avocados and low fat cheddar so that I can adhere to my nutrition plan while on the road, I don’t think anyone can disagree that I am justified in doing so.

In addition to this, much like Nietzsche posited, there are men in this world who should be able to take what they want. And, as Batman said, you can only truly understand the mind of the criminal if you indulge in criminal activity. So, part of this is a character building exercise.

So, there have been two recent close calls with my food theft. In Ottawa, I had a large brick of fat free mozzarella and a large brick of low fat cheddar firmly lodged (or so I thought) in the belt of my pants. I managed to make it to the exit when suddenly both bricks of cheese slid out from my belt and out through the bottom of my pant legs. I think I did a good job of hiding the fact that they came out of my pants, and made it look like I had just dropped them because I did not get hassled by security.

The day after our show at the Cajun Attic in Ottawa, Matt, Jon, our friend Chris and I decided it would be a good idea to visit the Gatineau Bulk Barn and Cosco. After purchasing a Magic Bullet, some frozen berries and some protein bars from the Cosco, we made our way over to the Bulk Barn.

At the Bulk Barn, I filled one bag with Quinoa (it’s an African grain with a complete protein), and another with pistachios. While waiting in a very long line, I started to think of how much money I had spent at Cosco and decided it was time to offset some of that expenditure.

Impulsively, I tucked my sweater into my jeans and stuffed the one pound bag down the front of my shirt. I subsequently slouched over to make it look like I had a tiny little paunch. When I finally made it to the cash, my hands were shaking, but it was too late to turn back. I could see the manager who was watching the door sizing me up (Later, Chris, who was waiting outside, told me that a customer had tattled on me). I began to sweat, and it seems like I’ve never waited so long for an Interac terminal to transmit a purchase.

I exited the store, and we walked back to the van at a brisk pace. We sat in the van. Nothing. I had gotten away with it. Presumably, the manager recognized a superman when he saw one. He could sense that I had a will and sense of justice greater than the majority of mortals.

So, I now realize I have become foolhardy and capricious in my theft. I must be calculating yet swift in the future. I am smarter than the common thief and I must act accordingly to avoid capture.