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Showing posts with label pastries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pastries. Show all posts

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I work with this guy

Here at the mine, I work with this guy, let's call him Jim. Jim is basically the most disgusting human being I've ever met. Every day at lunch, he gives me shit for "wasting" the egg yolks of my hard-boiled eggs. (I don't eat the yolks). In the meantime, he wastes as little food as possible by marching an endless parade of pastries and cookies into his feed hole. He weighs about 300 pounds and he is about 5'5. He also eats carrot and celery sticks, but only if they are covered in Cheez Whiz.

He looks like a down-on-his-luck Mr. Belvedere with face lesions and smells like rotten milk.












"Mr. Belvedere, now with face lesions! All the moustachioed fatness of Classic Belvedere with 100% more slime and built-in 'OH MY GOD STOP TALKING'!"

Jimmy makes the worst jokes. He is constantly telling jokes that no one laughs at. Just yesterday, One of the millwrights tried to poke fun at another millwright by saying, "Hey, how did you get so dirty? It can't have been from doin' work!" Everyone had a nice little chuckle.

Then, Jim pipes in, in a very loud voice, "HE SHIT ALL OVER HIMSELF!" the crew is hushed immediately, a pall of sympathy embarassment falling over them. Then, I started laughing about 20 seconds later after I realized how hilarious the whole situation was.

Honestly, this happens every single day. You'd think that the guy would change his joke strategy, but it's like he's caught in this spider web of terrible jokes and he's just flailing around, tearing pieces of terrible jokes off and tossing them at anyone who is nearby, trying to get them to grab on. No one ever does though because they know that if they do, they won't be able to help him; they'll just get pulled into the same horrible web with 'ol Jimmy and then they'll have to sit there and listen to his terrible jokes and smell his curdled milk musk.

And he's always licking his fucking fingers. GET A NAPKIN YOU SICK FUCK! Watching those little breakfast sausage fingers of his popping in and out of his mouth with an audible popping noise while he breathes heavily through his nose from the exertion is so incredibly unsettling that it must be art.

Sometimes I wonder if Jim has ever had sex. The image of him steamrolling some greasy tramp is disgusting, but every once in a while (actually, usually) one of his jokes will be of a sexual nature. Then, I invariably associate Jim with sex and begin to wonder about him having sex. I hate him for making me picture him having sex.

So anyway, lunch is in about 30 minutes and I'm going to start steeling myself for another half hour of Jim's sick grossness.