Hello my name is Boner

I just found out that Bono's real name is Paul Hewson thanks to this article, which features pictures of him posing on a sofa with two 19-year old girls and his zucchini-headed friend Simon Carmody.

Of course this means that now is the time to make up jokes about the similarity of Bono's name to the word "boner".

It had never occurred to me prior to today that Bono had made up his own name. I guess I just always figured that he had emerged fully grown from a magical hot spring in northern Ireland, with all of the talents necessary save our souls through over-emotive warbling.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I always thought Bono was the human manifestation of a timeless deity known as "Bonovah", who had been watching Man for all of Bonoternity, and had finally come to Earth to prevent the Bonopocalypse (Bonocalypse?).

We can't really blame Bono for all of this. The youth of today are listless and apathetic. In order to get them interested in global issues like poverty and climate change, sometimes you have to get them wasted and bang them in the engine room of your yacht. Bono is, as always, a man of the people. (By "A Man of The" I mean "trying to intoxicate for the purposes of seduction". And by "People" I mean "19-year-old girls").

In fact, Bono was overheard saying, "In times like these, global poverty is becoming an ever-important issue. Therefore, it is the duty of every man, woman and child to TOTALLY PARTY DOWN. Come on girls, let's go do some Jager bombs on Uncle Bono's Yacht! Who wants a piggy back ride?"

At press time, Bono was still trying to negotiate with one of the girls for the release of his sunglasses. While Bono conceded that the sunglasses looked better on her then they did on him, he nonetheless contended "Would you please just give them back to me? I don't want you to break them." The girl, Andrea Feick, retorted, "Aw, jusht let me wear them a little while longer Boner...PFFFT! I mean Bono. HAHA, I said "longer boner"! Oh God I am so wasted...[hic!]" She then proceded to stagger drunkenly in a rightward direction and proposed that they all go
for a swim.
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"Hey girls, who wants to hear a 25-minute Acapella version of the sweetest thing? Ahem...Ohohoh, the Sweetest Thing...Ohohoh, the Sweetest Thing...Ohohoh, the Sweetest Thing..."
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The whereabouts of Bono's trademark Cuban-style hat remain unknown. When asked about it, he replied, "Andrea just kind of took it off my head and was wearing it around. She said she'd give it right back. Oh man, I hope it's not lost. I mean, I don't want to freak out and ruin a good thing here, but it's like...it's my fucking hat, you know?